“The moment you look around and realize that you’re currently happy."

Oh boy, this is a particularly apt writing prompt today. I have lived an unusually blessed life - everything I’ve ever asked for, I’ve received. It’s never when I wanted it or exactly how I imagined it, but my wishes have always been granted sooner or later.

I have a job that I’m passionate about, I live in a nice area, I don’t have any major debts or obligations tying me down. I’m surrounded by hyperfixations, deep thought, and love. And it’s the last one that seems to be causing me the most trouble at the moment.

I consider myself aromantic in that I don’t feel romantic love the way it’s portrayed in movies and songs. Deep friendship and romance feel more or less the same to me - a strong connection to someone. If there’s a sexual connection, even better! To this day, I still battle guilt regarding my more heteronormative partner. She’s been very supportive and open-minded, but this was definitely not the experience she signed up for.

Just recently, I’ve acknowledged feelings for a friend of mine. Not love, mind you, but a deep connection with a sexual element too. It’s not the same connection I feel with my partner, but it’s still meaningful in its own way. I’ve been struggling to come to terms with this new feeling: First, trying to rationalize or quantify the feelings away and then trying to mold my current partner to better match my new flame. The former failed obviously because you can’t logic away feelings and the latter was just disrespectful and erased the reasons I liked my partner in the first place. Let’s also not forget the pressure from society to accept the standard “only one love at time” policy.

I never got it - why do we have to limit love? Why does it always need a clean label? Why does one person have to fulfill every need we have? Why must love always be a zero-sum game? I feel more alive and human when I have more connections to people - whether emotionally naked or just plain naked.

The reason I chose “kairosclerosis” for this prompt is because, in addition to all the other blessings, I’m happy that I get to love two people for different reasons and in their own unique ways. This feels way more natural and fulfilling to me and I’m tired of pretending that it’s not.

I know that eventually this might cost me one or both partners. It’s a thought that saddens me and it still something that I’m still coming to terms with. But in this moment, I appreciate that I can mean so much two people and that they can mean so much to me.